Casual Crushes And Being The Marital Doormat
It was a new years eve, both my teenage kids were desperate to go to the New Year event and so I decided to go with them as my hubby was a little unwell and didn’t want to go. As I sat there alone in the event playing tambola and checking my phone I kept seeing him online on whatsapp. It was at this time that my daughter came running to me that she had forgotten her best friend’s birthday gift which had to be given at midnight. As with all mothers, I couldn’t leave my daughter in trouble and so I rushed back home to pick up the gift. Since he was unwell I had locked the door from outside. I opened the door very quietly so as to not wake him up and went in. It was a complete shock to me to find him sitting happily in bed chatting with his secretary. The words that I saw that time on the screen were not just words it became a permanent nightmare for me.
For those of you who know Visheshta, I am her weight loss buddy. I have been following this blog for a while and when she asked me to write a guest blog I decided to share my most horrid few months of my life. This was a time when I was being used as a doormat in our marriage.
I couldn’t handle the situation and confronted him at once. The instant reply was that he only loves me and that he just likes and cares for her. He also reassured me that it was just a one sided thing and that girl was just not interested. After a few hours of arguing I made it back on time to hand over the gift to my daughter and then chauffeur them both back home. Since that New Year, I have hated every New Year and just can’t stay at home. It is unbearable.
Days passed and I could see him spending a lot of time with her. Suddenly he was on this crusade to help her in every way possible. Every time I confronted him we ended up having nasty fights and it even came down to physical violence as well. I have no shame here in saying that I too have fought tooth and nail and even beaten him.
Six months I kept crying, begging, fighting. Though there was no physical intimacy between them, I was feeling cheated as it was my time, my love, my care which was being dished out to some third person. Was this an affair? Not exactly more of a casual crush but I didn’t like it. Felt bad for all those women whose husbands cheat on them day in and day out.
Then came a day when the girl whom he was crazy after used him nicely. She was seeking his sympathy and attention and fooling him. Finally he got to know and she quit her job and a complete turnaround was made.
I once again became the centre of his life. Kids, me the home became priority. Promises were made that never again would anyone come into his life and that it’s a closed chapter. Has the chapter really been closed- Yes. Then why is it still bothering me after 5 years.
It’s because I feel like a doormat. I was a good more that 100 kilo weighing woman. I gained weight after each delivery and then it kind of never left me and I kept gaining weight. His flame or the closed chapter was a young, unmarried dainty girl with pretty eyes. I met Visheshta at this time in my life and she had had her second delivery and we were in this weight loss attempt together. As we walked over the treadmill at the gym every day, I confided in her. Her motivation and the hatred that I had for his flame pushed me towards my goal and I lost close to 40 kilos. Today I am looking and feeling much better, but was my body so important in our relationship?
He says he loves me and has never fallen out of love etc. If he loved me so much then why did he have to run around behind some other female? He very often tells me that I am a smarty, then why chase someone who doesn’t even have half the caliber that I have. So it is basically that I am a doormat. When he says the chapter is closed it’s closed but don’t I need the closure.
Visheshta told me 500 words but I am sorry I can’t restrict myself today. It’s been five years but I still feel like that doormat. Don’t I deserve much more than that girl, why do I have to put up with lectures and not enjoy special times with him. Just because we have been married for 20 years doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be treated with love.
As I was sending this post, my hubby asked me – “What the hell do you want?” My answer is still the same, repentance on each and every front; a proper vocal repentance. Not an order which says that it’s a closed chapter.
This doormat syndrome exists in the life of most women. I chose today to not be that doormat. Life will go on happily as it is now, but still I will wait and keep asking for that repentance. It’s not about him coming down, it’s all about me. I want to feel special and important and valued. It’s about me not being the marital doormat. For once treat me a life partner, an equal, as your loved one.
Thankyou Visheshta for helping me get all this bitterness out of my life.